Eiji Emiya - Fieryfly

[Fieryfly]

The Stages of Grief
--------------------------

Denial


Two Days after Samaki's Death

(Fourth Month of the Time Skip)

It was her funeral. 

There was a guy talking and he was looking around the people in the room. He spoke of her. How he remembered that when she was a little girl she would never listen to him. She would run of on adventures. He said how he had tried to stop her, but that she was too strong for him to stop. Too driven. There were words of praise about her, words of good times and laughter. Some words spoke about sadness and loss, how it was unfair.

Eiji found himself zoning out. They didn't understand. What they were talking about... that was not her. It was not her. What they were talking about were memories. Memories with which they pieced together how they thought she had been. It was like showing a selective amount of pictures in a story book and expecting to know the whole tale. But it was a lie. Because she was not those moments, she was not those memories. She was not a small piece in a larger story.

She was everything. 

How could those people describe her when they didn't even get that simple piece of information? How could they talk, but not listen to the words they were speaking? They didn't know. They didn't know her. There were hands on his back. Someone took Sachi from his arms as he was asked to come forward. Asked if he wanted to deliver a speech. He said yes. Why? He didn't know and he regretted his decision as soon as he walked forwards, because when he stood at the coffin he could only stare at the body.

They had cleaned her. The blood was gone. The armor was gone. Her weapon was gone too as were her other shinobi tools. There was no mark that she had ever been a ninja. Still that was not what bothered him. They could take away her clothes and her weapons, but they had taken away the most important thing too.

Her smile was gone.

And that was when he realized something: this was not his wife. It was not possible that this was his wife because his wife would smile to him. She would laugh and she would scare the shit out of the others. And then he would laugh too.

"Eiji..." There was someone talking to him. Bewildered Eiji looked up from the corpse that was not his wife. "It's okay if you don't want to speak." The guy said and Eiji realized that the people around him were staring at him. He looked through their faces for that familiar one, but he couldn't find her. She must not be here then. Maybe she was back home.

Somehow the speech passed and they were at a graveyard now. There were people lining up, giving him a hand, saying how sorry there were for him and the baby. If he needed something he could always ask, they said. They would be there for him. But for what? What could he possibly need from them besides that what they could not give him?

He saw his neighbors. They used to fight all the time, but now they were silent and held each other's hand. Eiji found himself looking around to all these people that had gathered. He felt like a stranger. What was he doing here in this sadness? Even Sachi seemed strange as she lay in his arms. Maybe he should go home, but his eyes were glued to the spot before him.

There was someone in that grave. Someone's name was carved in the black stone, white letters newly carved, but he couldn't read it clearly as something was obstructing his view.

Someone had died.



But it was not his wife.

[Fieryfly]

The Stages of Grief
--------------------------

Anger


Two Weeks after Samaki's Death

(Fourth Month of the Time Skip)



This post can be read here:

narutorotg.proboards.com/post/273

[Fieryfly]

The Stages of Grief
--------------------------

Depression


Two Months after Samaki's Death

(Sixth Month of the Time Skip)

*-*

君待つと わが恋ひをれば わが宿の すだれ動かし 秋の風吹く
Kimi matsu to wa ga koioreba wa ga yado no sudare ugokashi aki no kaze fuku

Waiting for you,
I languish, full of longing -
and then the blinds
of my house flutter slightly,
blown by the autumn wind.

Princess Nukada - Manyoshu poem 488

*-*

It was morning. Sachi was still asleep, or had just fallen asleep was maybe a better description. Eiji made coffee for himself. Espresso. Strong. Somehow he had to stay away after all. Or maybe he just didn't want to sleep more. He sighed and sat back in his chair at the dinner table, feet up on the wood, and stared into the nothingness before him. The doors in the kitchen that led to the small garden behind the house were open and the only thing that shielded Eiji from the world outside where the white curtains that hung motionless in the light of the new day.

He just sat and drank, his thoughts on zero. A moment of quietness in which he dozed off.

Something stirred at the window as the breeze picked up. There was movement like someone was pushing the curtain aside to come in. A silhouette moving ready to catch him. Abruptly Eiji sat up and removed his feet from the table. She wouldn't like it that he had his feet up. There were a few rules in the house after all. He opened his mouth to apologize.

But it was only the fluttering curtain. And the wind. Nothing more. Eiji let himself fall back in the chair. The object objected to the force that was suddenly thrown at him, but the man ignored it. He ignored it all.

She was not here.

*-*

It was later that morning. Sachi had been picked up by the nanny who took care of her while Eiji was on duty. Sure, he wanted to stay home with her, but he was bound to his city to serve. Besides, staying home was painful sometimes. A lot of times.

With Sachi gone, Eiji quickly made a sweep through his house, cleaning most things and getting his stuff. He worked in complete silence. When he was finished he walked to the hall to grab his coat. His headband donned his forehead and the poi were in his pockets. He was a ninja again.

Before the door he fumbled with the keys for a moment distracted and annoyed by the fact that they were stuck in the board of his coat. If he didn't watch out he would be late. Quickly he stepped outside still pulling on the fabric. "I'm going!" He called to the hall, before pulling the door close.

Only then he realized that with him leaving the house would be empty.

*-*

It was afternoon. He was walking over the marketplace almost leisurely, his hands in his pockets, his hood up to shield him from the rain. There was a stand with umbrellas and Eiji again reminded himself that he should buy one at some point. But he never did. Instead he moved on and bought his groceries. With three bags in his hands - one in the left, two in the right - he pushed through the crowd. They pushed back and a sudden gust of wind blew his hood of his head. Immediately rain poured down on him and he grimaced as he felt how various drops started to follow his hairline and disappeared into his coat.

The crowd was still pushing and he was getting more soaked every second. "I don't understand why you like this weather." He said to the person behind him. "It is not even-" He turned back and looked in the confused face of an older man. He was holding a basket with fish. Salmon, Eiji could see.

He blinked and apologized.

The one he had thought to be behind him was not there.

*-*

It was the middle of the night. Eiji woke up because Sachi was crying. He yawned in his pillow and groaned. He didn't want to get up. Sleep was still hanging on his eyelids and his body was still dreaming. He knew that Sachi was hungry and that she couldn't help it, but just this time he wanted to stay in bed.

"-maki she is cryin-" He muffled in the sheets as his hand searched next to him to find the other person in the home that could give the girl some food and let him sleep. His hand however found nothing. He couldn't feel the warmth he was looking for. Frowning in his pillow Eiji turned around. "Sama-" Only then he realized his mistake.

The bed was empty. 

He let himself fall back in his pillow and pressed the thing against his face. The darkness was not deafening enough. It could not shut out the pain he was feeling in his heart after that conclusion. The pain and the hopelessness. He wanted the blackness to take over and carry him away.

Because every day there were ten thousand things that reminded him of her and he was so tired of waking up and not knowing, not realizing that she was gone. He was tired of his endless dreams that made her so real. And he was tired of all the times his hope still managed to make his heart race faster. Because maybe, maybe, his hope told him, she would still come home. And maybe, maybe, his heart told him, she would be next to him when he looked up. And every time it hurt so badly when that hope was shattered into a million pieces. First he had been taping them together after each crack, but soon the pieces had become too small and the only thing that was left was dust...

So he just gave up. 

There was nothing left to tape. There was nothing left to fix. Everything was broken and everything was lost there in that night.

Sachi was crying,



but he could not gather the strength to get up.

[Fieryfly]

The Stages of Grief
--------------------------

Acceptance


A Year after Samaki's Death

(16th Month of the Time Skip)

*-*



*-*

Everything was ready. The picnic basket was full, the sun had risen past its highest peak, and there was no rain. It was the perfect day. Behind him Sachi was babbling something incoherent to the doll she was holding and involuntary Eiji smiled. He turned around and dragged a hand through his hair. There was only one thing missing, he thought as he looked over to the fire place.

Her picture. 

Soon the Amegakure shinobi stepped out of the door the picnic basket in one hand, Sachi on his other. In some miraculous way he managed to lock the door. Ebizu landed on his head and Eiji snorted as he felt the little claws walk back and forth through his red locks. "Yes, you can come too." He said softly as he turned away from the house to the road. People were busy with their everyday life. Shopkeepers were selling their goods. Eiji eyed some rather good looking elderberries, but decided against it. His hands were full enough. On the corner of the street there was a man making music on a samisen. Sachi looked at him with big eyes and Eiji halted for a moment to let her listen. The musician winked at the girl and gave a friendly nod to Eiji, which he returned.

"Gonna be a musician that one," the man said. "I can tell by the look."

Eiji chuckled. "Maybe. He said. "If she wants to be." He looked to Sachi. "Do you want to be?" He asked her. Sachi sucked on her thumb and just stared

The walk through the main streets of Amegakure was short. Eiji chatted with some more people that came to say hi to either Sachi or him. They commented on how she had grown and asked how he was doing. He smiled and said he was doing okay. He wasn't sure if they believed him, but they all told him that that was good. Luckily they all left him alone after a couple of minutes when they realized where he was going. A pat on his shoulder or a friendly glance was all that he would get before they would leave him alone. He was grateful for that.

Soon he arrived in the quieter area of Amegakure. Not many people were on the streets here and he hardly knew any of their faces. The road was winding upwards and as he climbed the slope Eiji took his time to look around. It was strange how Amegakure had more and more become his village even now after she had gone. He felt more at home now, more at peace on its streets and between its buildings. It had seemed cold to him before, emotionless, but she had shown him that Ame was to be loved. It was a wonderful, living, striving city. A city he was fond off.

Some kids were playing a ball game in one of the back alleys he passed. They were laughing and shouting to each other. Sachi snuggled against Eiji's chest. "You'll have friends like that one day." He said to her as he walked further. The laughs rang out of the street, but soon faded away. Everything seemed to fade as he got away further and further. Even Sachi's sounds seemed to fall silent as if she knew where they were going. Ebizu rested quietly on his head.

Then the gate came into view and Eiji took a deep breath and smiled to the stone that guarded the place where his love rested, where countless of shinobi slept. With sure steps he made his way through the graveyard. Each step brought him closer to her and away from the real world. Yet the real world was not forgotten.

Just away from the center of the graveyard lay her grave. It was simple, but elegant, just like she had been. Eiji placed the basket down on the ground before the grave and sat Sachi down next to it before sitting down himself. He leaned back to watch the sky for a moment. Clouds were flying past. He hoped they would not block the sun too soon. Then he looked back forward.

"Hello," he said to the stone that carried her name. "How have you been?" He smiled slightly as he pulled the basket closer to him. Ebizu had hopped of his head and was now sitting next to Sachi. The little girl tried to pet the bird, but he would always hop out of her reach.

"It's been a year now." Eiji said. He opened the basket at took out the picture frame he used to have on his mantle piece. Carefully he dusted it off and placed it before the stone. Her laugh made him smile too though something tugged on the corners of his mouth, dragging them down. "Life has been going on. As it always does. The neighbors are quarreling again. I don't even know what about, but you know them. They fight and fight, but they never break up. They just smile and kiss and everything is done." He took out a small plate and the container that held their favorite meal. Scrambled eggs.

"Oh and I visited my mom recently." He continued as he scooped a little bit of the egg and put it on the plate. It was still warm and steamed slightly. "She is okay, considering all the stuff. My grandfather still doesn't like me very much, as you know. You should have seen his face. You would have laughed and we would have been kicked out of the house."

He placed the plate with eggs before her picture and reached back into the basket. Next thing to come out was some incense. With a quick move he lit a match and lighted the incense, sticking the sticks next to the plate into the ground. Two small wreaths of smoke rose up into the air. Eiji stared to them. "And Sachi has been doing great. Well you can see her." He looked to the little girl. She was staring to something intently. "She has your hair and your smile. She smiles a lot just like you. And that little dimple you had in your cheek. She has that too. It is adorable. And she had been eating fine and I am sure to always watch her, so don't worry about that okay?"

The picture smiled at him, but Eiji found it extremely hard to keep his own smile up.

"She'll be a great person when she grows up. She will live after her mother and be so strong and happy, just you wait. One day she will stand here all tall and mighty and she will have surpassed both you and me. And we will be so proud, won't we? We'll be so proud...

I just wish..."

His smile was gone now.

"I just wish you were here."

There was something running over his cheeks, but he didn't move. He kept staring at the picture, staring to her smile as the tears dripped from his chin and fell to the grass.

"I miss you."

He cried without making a sound. He cried without holding back. Suddenly, however, he found Sachi at his knees, trying to climb on them and through his tears he smiled. He wrapped his arm around her and lifter her up so that she could sit on his knee. "That is your mom." He said to her through his tears, pointing at the picture. Sachi didn't really look, but Eiji continued anyway. "She was a great kunoichi of Amegakure. She was so strong that all the other shinobi would run away for her. She was just that scary. And then she ran into a guy that made her scrambled eggs. Well, he was sort of forced to, but he didn't mind. He found out that she was actually very kind and loving and he knew... that she would be... the only person... for him." The last words were barely audible. Sachi tried to grab his fingers and Eiji let her.

"But now the man has you too and even though it seems like she is really gone. That is not true. She is here you know. With us." Eiji gave Sachi a kiss on her forehead. "And she will always be."

The picture smiled.

(Keep the first song going while adding this)

A raindrop hit the frame and Eiji looked up. Slowly the clouds were closing in on the sun and he knew rain was coming. He sniffed and collected himself. "You see," he said to the grave, "I was going to follow tradition and sprinkle water on your grave. We have to keep those spirits happy after all, but then I thought, did we ever really follow tradition?" He looked to her smile again. "I didn't think so either. I figured you would like rain better anyway."

More and more raindrops joined the first and soon it hard turned into a downpour. Eiji shielded Sachi with his coat and Ebizu found a dry spot in one of the nearby trees. Samaki's smile was still visible through the onslaught of water. She really was a child of Amegakure. Eiji's tears were being washed away and soon he was soaked, but he didn't care. Samaki had always liked the rain.

"And I have come to love it."